But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.

...because today is all about reflecting on that right? For me it is...

the life I have, the chances i've been given, the people I've met along the way and the people i've forgotton. 
my home, my family, my friends near and far- because no matter where I am or where I'll end up I know they're still right beside me.  
my job- even though it drives me crazy and has taken over my life- i still love students and working with them. 
passion. it's an addictive feeling and i can't wait to feel it again for anything besides work and school. 
chicago- it's not a place to me anymore it represents great change-even if I never see it again I know that in so many ways this city changed me which is totally weird to think about but it feels like home. 
politics- because for the first time in my life I've kept up with what i believe in and I see the big picture. enough said.
long drives- i used to think it was all about the music and the scenary but it's more about control- when i take a drive with the windows down- the heat turned slightly up and music reasonably loud I feel at ease. I guess I'm just thankful for those moments of ease. 

I know I havent' written in a very long time and I'm pretty sure it's the same excuse as always- i'm just too busy. I think life is doing a pretty good job at getting me down on myself and I need to get over it ASAP. I need a road trip or a grand awakening something-anything to bring me back to earth. being home helps- but i still feel stressed. it's true your family is your worst critic- i swear they are worse on me than me.

 I want a real job.

I've started at least a dozen entries in the past month... all starting with "I need a life". I went out and tried to get one this weekend.... failed miserably. It's funny because I'd rather be working than be at the bar meeting new people.... I desperately need to find a balance that makes me happy.... and I'm not even sure my job is making me happy as much as it is making me compulsively insecure. 
Something struck me last week and it's stuck with me every since... my father and I were discussing my impending job search and I mentioned places I'd like to live...and he said "don't limit yourself". My father has never...ever...uttered such words to me. It makes me uneasy just thinking of it (no idea why). The fact that I limited myself so much in the past 23 years because I was managing their emotions and expectations of me by staying close to home and seeking their pride and approval. it makes me sick. 
I'm feeling garden statey these days- like I want to go home but I don't know if home is home? 
meh. anyways I've been doing too much thinking this weekend and none of it has been exciting or provoked any change.

Lets be honest. I don't have a life anymore. 
Greek Life has taken over. The first few weeks weren't bad I had stuff to do but it wasn't like an every night thing. Now I'm just busy....to the point where naps are a thing of the past as is sleeping in saturday and sundays. I'm pretty much in a meeting every second. I just lurked LJ for a solid hour but I still don't feel caught up on the other part of my life. 
Going to see the format tonight so that will be nice...I'm leaving clas early though soo that doesn't really help the whole feeling prepared thing...I feel like a lousey student for it. I'm meeting people there so it's nice not to be alone. 
I think I'm going to see Brand New in December with Nikki. It will be a good show. I'm still going to see The Academy is... in november and still have yet to buy my tickets. 
Recently I've fallen for 1997 and New Atlantic. 

Should I go to this student affairs conference in October....I don't really want to...but I feel like I should. I can't miss my Monday class either...which throws my entire life off. Maybe I'll just skip it. whatever. 

I'm kind of lost right now...but I'm doing good work I think...so that's nice. My list of cities I want to work with is expanding with the midwest in the lead...chicago I miss you.

The past week or two has just flown by too fast. I've been in and out of the internet world for a while due to training schedules, errands, vacation, and all that jazz. 
GA Training is over on Tuesday thank goodness but RAs start coming this weekend....and I'm not there yet...not prepared even a lttle. so much shit to do and not enough time and all the while i've become the social chair and resident "call me if you need anything" person for the new people....and I'm kind of tired. Actually really tired. 
I guess I'm more of an introvert than I thought? 
I went and saw motion city soundtrack this week by myself....I have to say that I'm officially not so much a fan of going to shows alone...I have done it before but that's a band that you want to sing really loudly to with your close friends there too...it's a communal experience. I fell in love with Sherwood and absolutely hated the forecast... just not my thing. The higher were ok...very poppy and the crowd did not like them. 
June is here on saturday night and i'm thinking of going...but....it will be a last minute thing...I'm just sooo preoccupied but I know I'll regret not going. 2 weeks till the format and The spill canvas will be on tour this fall! that's exciting to me. Ryan adams hates ohio so no dice on his tour. 
I miss chicago....i have been to cleveland a few times and just walked around...i just miss chicago...offiically sure that it's something about the place and not so much the city. meh. hard to explain. 

I guess I should do some work and get my laundry...i'll update more as schedules pan out.

when your best friend kind of forgets your birthday.....or atleast gives off the feeling that he has....and doesn't admit it....and then gets off the phone with you to take another call....you kind of get upset right?

I'm  just really disappointed. 

I just would have rather been anywhere else today. I love my family but...god...i miss my real friends- the ones that have known me forever. I miss selfless people...the ones that just say "don't worry about it, it's your birthday" kind of makes me sad when other's make a huge deal out of themselves when it's kind of your day, your dinner, or just your 5 minutes of "it's my birthday I'll cry if I want to". whatever. 

I'll be happy when I'm home in cleveland. birthdays have always been far too overrated for my taste anyways. 


(i miss chicago----even if I was never really there)



it must be said though that the beach has been wonderful and I'm truly blessed with an amazing family but I've become a highly independent person in the past year or two...and have spent like every ounce of free time alone. no idea why that is. 

the beach is amazing and I'll be visiting "my place" tomorrow at sunset...which makes me smile.

I'm kind of feeling gross today. My throat is very sore. I need to drink more water but I need the caffeine 
so the presentation was ok. I apparently talked for 27 minutes! I have never done a presentation that long before. rediculous. I guess that means I learned something about being long winded this year. 
I was over prepared but that's good. 

then I got back to the office and saw that the hush sound is playing the agora on august 30th with rooney who I've seen once and they were great...sooo basically....that'll be a show a week (5 total) in august. I hope I the time. 

just realized. The format and the hush sound show are the same week that classes start....uughhh...not so good. I might skip the first week of environments...or leave early...or something. I can't miss the format. It just can't happen. 

ok so i took a brief moment to call my boss and say I'm not teaching the RA class which makes things soo much more flexible. I am going to talk to a prof about donig an independent study on leadership as well as taking women in leadership...woot that puts me at the show early! woot. 

ok...in other news...i'm obessessed with mallo-bars. maazingggg. Going drinking today and getting a pedi tomorrow- makes me smile. 

Home in 2 days! so much shit to do. 

BTW- Beth keep your chin up!

I'm in the office on a sunday...at 10pm? no idea why. 
so highlights of right now...in list format because...well I'm lazy. 

went out thursday with kelly and gay eric. loved it. saw a fun funk band....crazy i know. and only had an $11 tab!
Woke up with some sort of stomach virus that kept me inside and near the toilet for the entire day...not so much fun. 
Ate reallll pizza!
Checks finalllly cleared in my bank accout which means I get to go shopping tomorrow afternoon!
I get paid next week...woot. 
I will be at the beach this time next week....couldn't be happier. 
The new GAs are amazing.
Found a new band to love....mayday parade. 
Going to see 4 bands in August including June! but will be missing their record release show since I have training that weekend. 
I will be back in my queen size bed in 4 days! uughhh it will be so fabulous.
My birthday gift from the parents will be a plane ticket....I get to pick the destination.
I've become slightly obsessed with buying a new camera....but i can't commit. 
I can't get that damned paramore song stuck out of my head- and i know my sister will be playing it non stop next week.
I'm not ready to say goodbye to chicago....but I'm ready to say goodbye to Dekalb...like now. 
I saw transformers last night and it was pretty good...however....who stops a war with robots to have a makeout moment.....craizness.
ok I'm tired.

I'm starting to freak out a little about this year....
so much to do. 
I guess I'm gonna be making up for being not so busy last year. 

way too much on my mind.

I feel like I've been ran over by a truck. 
i've drank 4 diet cokes today. 
I over drafted on my bank account because a check didn't go through in time. 
I drank a lot and felt really awkward about being drunk in Milwaukee with nobody around that I loved.
I was too busy sweating to take in too much people watching. 
I got hives at the show....but danced them off....more like spazed them off. 

not the best show...but certainly not the worst. it reaffirmed the fact that i love the hush sound and they were my favorite band that played. 

I'm really good at being laid back apparently. I was told this yesterday and kind of laughed it off because with me.... laid back = being walked all over. I don't know. 

kind of down on my self today and I just really want to be home. I want to start this year....I want to have purpose in my life again. This was supposed to be my summer. It kind of turned into everyone else's summer. maybe a good book will fix this. 

I think about nothing way too much....if that makes sense. I need to get better at focusing my thoughts and energy. 
saw this on post secret and it hit home to me. Probably going to be my theme.


I'm buying a box of fortune cookies for september and I'm going to have a fortune for each day....maybe it will bring me good luck. Wow that looks rediculous to say. uughhhh...

I wanted my summer in the city....and all I got was this lousy NIU pin and a case of the Mondays. bunch of bullshit.

another morning where I had about 15 minutes to get ready for work. awesome.

so ready for her to go home....she leave tuesday but will be back and bitchtastic on saturday. 

I need some patience ASAP.

so...I've been a little MIA this week. 
The boys came into chicago on Sunday night (last week) and did their best to experience the city. They found two bards they really liked. The Plymouth Rooftop Bar was a crowd pleaser so they took me there.....funny story....this was their fave because it was the only one they found when they got off the train.... They were such assholes to the waistresses....i had to smack them around and apologize. 
They made friends in wrigleyville as I expected...and although they quoted Borat the whole time i was with them I really had a good time. The cubs game was amazing as I k new it would be. Basically a perfect summer excursion. Two bad things...
1. The hotel they stayed at was rediculous. I was afraid to take a shower because I thought for sure I would get the clap just from touching the shower cutrain. The beds were ancient...and probaby taken from the dump. ummm...and....their were multiple locks ont he door and bars on the windows....good lord it made me nervous. Later they told me it was $20 a night.....get what you pay for i guess. 
2. Traffic wasn't bad but since the sky opened up and poured on Wednesday night the boys didn't get home till 4am....yikes. they were not happy with chicago. 

I'm glad they came. i spent entirely too much money but it was worth it. This week sucked because NIU apparently was nto planning on paying me. Seriously this place could not suck harder. 

3 more weeks though and I am back in cleveland....i'll miss chicago...but I won't miss the suckfest that is NIU. 

This weekend is summerfest....and good/fun nikki is going with me. so I hope it will be a good time. I basically plan on getting very drunk. I like to set the bar high. 

sad story....i like the new yellowcard....even sadder the new starting line is pretty ok. we'll see if it grows on me.

 

I went to bed in the worst mood last night- didn't sleep very well- and woke up in an even worse mood. 

Honestly.....i'm over being around nikki. I've realized that she brings me down in so many ways. 
1. She complains more than anyone I have ever met in my life. EVER!
2. She is a brown-noser of the worst kind. She complains about the people she is sucking up to....she's a grade b kiss ass though, because everyone is sick of hearing her talk. 
3. She talks about her boyfriend too much....not to be a bitch but if i hear one more thing about this loser who got a DUI and still has an affinity for driving drunk I might just throw myself off the roof. HE'S A FUCKING MORON!
4. This also is from #1 but she doesn't eat properly....or much at all as a sad attempt at losing weight....well I'm all for doing that seeing as I am over weight myself...but she's a bitch about it....and make me feel guilty about what I eat. also if you're hungry eat for crying out loud....don't bitch to me about it...totally rediculous. 
5. We share a suite. So that means we share a bathroom. We have to be at work by 7:30.....she knows I take a 8 minute shower...(something I have gotten very good at) where as she takes a 15-20 minute one...now...in my head that means she should get up earlier....since I take all together 20 minutes to get ready. This is NEVER the case. She gets up at 7 when i have my clock set and beats me to the shower everytime...so i go back to bed and wake up with literally 10 minutes to get ready- then she has the audacity to ask me to hurry so she isn't late. This morning I didn't even respond. i told her to just leave me. she didn't...and then complained that we were so late... (5 minutes so shut the fuck up!) 
6. Also....she owes me money. I bought her dinner one night because I was sick of eating on campus, I also have put a total of 15.00 on the card for us to do laundry....i ave done 3 loads of laundry all together at 1.75 each.....and last night all the money was gone save .40$.....wtf! 
7. She goes to bed at like 9pm and complains about being tired......no seriously. 
8. She's the loudest person on the planet. In addition to having severe voice imogolation....(see will ferrell sketch) she walks loudly and slams doors, and and and listens to her god awful country music (and i like SOME country) very loudly....just kill me now. 
9. She's flat out rude. it could be the jersey/philly girl in her....but sometimes the shit she says is just rude. She corrects people a lot and tends to be very judgy about things she knows nothing about.

I don't have a 10...i really don't but I'm kind of over it. People have been asking me here if we are getting along and Ijust say that next year they should have the interns separate. I'm too tired today to deal with her bullshit so I'm being immature and halfway ignoring her. 
I'm a likeable person....the other intern chris likes me as do the people I talk to in the office, so I know it's not me.... Im just so ready for summer to be over. honestly. 

oooh and she wants to go to taste of chicago this weekend...and sadly I might bail because I can't deal with her bitching about 90 degree weather, crowds, and/or the city....because I love it all and I might have to cut a bitch.

 

remember how I said I was going to summerfest. i lied. i don't know. i've kind of lost the will to want to go....
meh...trying to sell a ticket I bought but didn't really want...blah.

I'm ready for this weekend. I think i convinced good nikki (not the roommate) to go to HOB with me saturday so I'll have a driving buddy. I'm excited to see rohry and brad but I'm depressed about work...really hating it this week. 

not as bitter with bad nikki (the roommate) today but...give it time. 

i really need to go to the gym tonight...since 6am did not happen this morning.  It's sad but I really don't have anything else to talk about.

I think I spend a lot of time thinking about regrets and 'what ifs'. I tend to admire people who make big leaps and take a lot of chances. I find it really hard to do the unexpected or the unplanned.
I'm way to practical and I hate that about myself. I want to be more spontaneous and more outgoing. 
I think I can be...but I worry far too much of what is expected of me and what people think. I'm kind of a hypocrite in that way...i tell my students all the time to be proud of themselves and to take ownership of their decisions no matter the outcome...there's always a lesson to be learned...but for some reason I fail to take my own affirmations seriously. I sell myself short a lot....alot alot. I really need to start seeing my own self worth and stop judging myself...maybe then I won't feel so crappy about my own decisions.
So here is my almost mid resolution- I will do what I want to do. I will make decisions based on what I want and what I need at that point in time. I will let go of my need for acceptance and the pressure I feel from my parents and friends to be perfect (because most of the time....they don't really care) Perfection is objective. I think the most imperfect people in the world are amazing....so why should it be different for me....I want to be so far from normal. 
I think I'm on the right track. no timelines or charts necessary. 

if only it were this easy....but...I'm willing to work on it.  starting this weekend...I'm just going to go with my gut. 

I bought a summerfest ticket....and I'm going....settled and done. next week rohry comes...this will be a test...

Hands down the best part of my day is when I walk into the bathroom across the hall, shut the stall door lean against the rigth wall and stretch.....feels so good.....sometimes I let out a deep breath...anyways i'm wierd. How sad is it that stretching is the best part of my day? yep. 

This has been a rough week. lets be honest. I don't do much at my job which sucks. 
I'm not happy in dekalb. I'm not happy with my roommate. I pretty much live for the weekends. 
Nikki wants me to take her to the city this weekend.....me=her bitch? i don't know. 
I've resorted to wearing headphones in the office because she listens to country....all the fucking time....and Tuesday afternoon...she yelled at her grandmother on the phone....i was scared. 
I don't know what we're going to do this weekend...maybe just go and hang out at the beach or something...i could do with not spending money...probably just the beach then and go to dinner....
then she says..."lets go on sunday too" wtf. we'll see. I want to but I also want to save money for next weekend when rohry is actually here. Whatever she owes me dinner anyways. 
beth if you're reading this...please hang out with me (and nikki) on saturday night...plllleasse. losing my mind with only one person to hang out with. 

I kind of want to go home for the 4th but can't afford it...and it's too much trouble...i figure I will hang out with family and that will be fun...maybe go downtown...we'll see. 

back to being bored and talking about mucis like a nerd..

Lets recap...mostly because I don't want to forget about this weekend....
Friday- worked all day left work, showered, left around 5ish and stopped at the aurora outlets and bought new jeans. fabulous jeans from The Gap. Arrived in Chicago around 7ish and met James. We walked to dinner at Girodianos down the street. amazing pizza (but I had it before- I just pretended to be a deep dish virgin). We walked around for about an hour to so before heading back to his apartment. Played with the cutest dog evvverrr. Molly! she's a puggle and adorable. we took her for a long walk and he showed me all these condos I could never afford. The rest of the night I read and watched the skyline from the guestroom windowseat. basically decided that I needed to move there because it was the happiest I felt in weeks. 
Saturday- 7am wakeup call from Molly....she was super excited to see me when she woke up...a little too excited. went back to bed and got up at 8:30ish to get ready. Took James to target and then continued on to the aquarium. Found our way there after taking a long detour down lakeshore dr. paid 15$ for parking but quickly realized it was right nest to the charter one pavillion and load in was happening....got all touristy and took pictures. Walked along the shore to the aquarium and spent all morning at the museums and aquarium. ate lunch and then walked to grant...listened to music for awhile and talked to people about New Orleans. Walked to Milennium Park and creepily took pictures of babies in diapers running in the water. Sat and people watched for a little and then walked back to Grant. funtimes. Pretty much exhausted. 
Went back to Jame's and got ready for the wedding....which we arrived late too...saw an old professor! hah! and proceeded to wander oak park on my own...read a book in the park for about an hour till the reception was over. We made it an early night and just went to Emmitts pub from there- I finally parked the car and we got food and talked about me moving there....and the actual reality of getting a job next year. we'll see. 

Sunday- basically consisted of gay softball league games and dog beaches...read a lot and truly had a relaxing time with the gay men's population of chicago. I enjoyed that the teams were named...The Slammers, The Drillers, and The Bush Men....kind of made me giggle. 

Loved this weekend...and I can't wait to go back...
My family feels otherwise about me moving here....but tbh...i don't care. 
My roommate won't leave me be...she complains a lot....and talks about her boyfriend...alllll the time. living and working together is a bad mix...not even happy about it. her boyfriend sounds like a tool anyways and I tld her that....apparently she likes his "tool" like qualitities. whatever.. I try not to roll my eyes too much. 
I also enjoy the silence at work sometimes...just music and silence....she does not...she likes to sing along (the wrong words I might add) and talk...a lot....sometimes I feel like I'm a non-funny episode of the office. 

i'm being summonned by the boss lady.

I'll probs post pictures or write more later. 
I'm going to focus my search for chicago next year. There's plenty of places to work. DePaul and UIC are up there... Northwestern is still on my radar but not as much. 
James (Shigeo) is not my fave person....he was so amazing to me this weekend. 
Blues Festival was awesome.

Can't wait for Rohry to come down so I can play tourguide (yes because I'll be able to navigate...ha not really). I'm going to tell him I can pick him up on Sunday....since I'm going to a show the night before...i'll beg to stay at my uncles. maybe not who knows. 

super depressed to be in Dekalb. Nikki is going to drive me insane with her negative comments. bitch please. 
Whatever she did call me "totally freaking awesome" last night but....I don't easily forgive. 

ok off to the most boring meeting ever...board of trustees.

http://www.ticketmaster.com/event/04003EB8D26735A4?artistid=713563&majorcatid=10001&minorcatid=1
mandy fucking moore

not even kidding. I kind of want to go....now I have that candy song stuck in my head. hilarious. 

oh and my roommate and office mate won't shut the eff up about paris hilton.

I need to comiserate for 2.5, 
Fall out boy= childhood
gay wedding= adutlhood.
such is my weekend...of forced grown upness. 
as much as I am excited to attend a commitment ceremony for two lesbians I am really depressed about not being able to spend 10$ for terrible seats for tomorrow's show. and that in itself is depressing. 
Growing up sucks. 

ok i'm over it. luckily the one other person that reads this (HI Beth!) is now my new show buddy and only friend in chicago that is cool enough to hang out with- which helps me to not feel like a loser in dekalb. 

despite my clear issues with attending this show tomorrow night i do know of an afterparty at Debonair...but am I really that girl? I don't think I am....but I might be just for kicks. I mean when else am I going to be able to make an ass out of myself in front of psuedo famous people? probably never.

I should be more involved with work....but I'm not. I kind of want a double life....but it's hard to have a double life when you live in fucking dekalb....worst idea i ever had. 

6 hours till I leave for the city....for what will be a wonderful weekend.